Dark Fantasy: blood as a symbol of life and death

On an unusually warm October morning, Sarah Federer arrives at Saint Louis University to pick me up. Federer is in town on business—her little brother’s homecoming high school football game and, less importantly, shooting the inaugural issue of 21 Artistry, which I just told her about a few days ago. As always, she is beaming with excitement. “Your hair! You didn’t tell me you got a buzz cut. It looks so good,” she says. “My dad wanted me to look like Travis Kelce, and I thought it was a good idea. I will try anything once,” I reply. I hop in the passenger seat, and we begin driving to the farm.

INAUGURAL COVER GIRL  “21 Artistry has never looked more iconic.” Introducing 21 Artistry Magazine.

Federer is living a life now she once only dreamed of. Growing up in the suburbs of St. Louis, she always had grand visions for her future. As a little girl, she fantasized about one day being a lawyer, entrepreneur, actress, and model all at the same time. “Ambitious,” many adults in her life called her, a critique often voiced with undertones of doubt and cynicism. While you can’t exactly say they were wrong, she spent her whole life proving it. At the young age of 19, Federer is already living out her wildest childhood dreams: attending a prestigious university for finance and international business on the pre-law track, running and creative directing her startup 4ortunatelife, taking on film roles during her breaks from school, and modeling in projects for her crazy photographer friend from home (me). Her latest achievement: being 21 Artistry’s inaugural cover star. It’s a lot to juggle for one person, but Federer has never been one to compromise. “I don’t believe you must sacrifice one dream to achieve another,” she says. “All of my dreams I have been called to for a reason. They’re all mine to chase simultaneously. Leaving St. Louis after high school felt like starting over. I had to let go of comfort and familiarity. But, a year and a half later, I am thriving. Now, I love discomfort. The unfamiliar is where I prosper now.”

I first met Federer in August 2021 at an underground concert and art festival I organized at a skatepark in our hometown, 21 Artistry’s “Art Fest.” Screaming from the moshpit smashed between hundreds of kids, she immediately grabbed my attention. If you have ever met her, you would know why. Federer is a rare phenomenon. It almost seems unfair that there is so much beauty, brains, talent, and charm all in one person. When you peel back her layers, though, there is kindness, warmth, humor, and deep earnestness. From the first time I met her, I knew she had star power. Back then, 21 Artistry was an artistic collective that would host events for young people in St. Louis just like this one. Over two years later, working with Federer on the first issue of 21 Artistry magazine was a full-circle moment. We’ve come a long way.

THE BECOMING  From an early age, Federer always dreamt of something bigger. Now she is becoming the woman she always wanted to be.

Back in those days, Federer was dealing with silent struggles. Her high school years were marked by merciless bullying and contentious relationships within her friend group. Events where she was supposed to feel safe, she was violated, experiencing sexual harassment at the hands of men her age in the community only to go home to cyberbullying from girls she thought were her friends. Opening TikTok, she would see comments from fake accounts relentlessly criticizing her appearance. The cyberbullying continues today. I was harassed by multiple fake accounts from those same girls when Federer and I began working together. In the messages, they slammed her character with refutable lies, desperately trying (and miserably failing) to ruin her reputation. I defended her, cheekily responding, “I know who you are, [Full Name]. I can’t imagine how miserable you must be. You are a disaster,” only to get an angry DM from one of the girl’s real accounts by accident, “Not Philip calling me a disaster.” Federer and I were crying laughing on the floor of my studio when we saw it. 

Bullying was not the only hardship Federer endured as a highschooler. Transferring from an all girls Catholic high school to public high school during the COVID-19 pandemic and taking school entirely online, she felt lost and alone. At a party around that same time, Federer was sexually assaulted at the hands of a young man who everyone in the community knew well, which led to her spending a night at the hospital. Attempts to press charges proved futile. Her attacker walked free. Right now, he’s in college having a “normal” experience while his victims have been left with life-lasting trauma. This experience partially inspired her decision to pursue law. “I’ve always had a strong sense of justice and advocacy, but what really inspired me toward law was a combination of personal experiences and my exposure to the legal system through school and life,” Federer says. “Studying business law in Italy during a summer in college opened my eyes to how powerful law can be in shaping society, protecting people, and holding systems accountable. I want to be someone who stands in the gap for others, especially those who feel powerless.”

PAIN INTO POWER  Whether it’s acting, modeling, business, or law, Federer’s goal for her work is the same: being a voice for the voiceless.

As she was coming of age, Federer also wanted the platform that modeling, acting, and social media provided so she could not only have an outlet for her creativity, but also always be in control of her own narrative. “I find creativity through reflection, vulnerability, and moments where I can turn pain into purpose, she shares. “Whether I’m writing or working on something visual, I’m most inspired when I feel emotionally connected to what I’m creating. That’s when it feels the most real. Sometimes, I look around and realize how few people truly understand the pressure I carry and the dreams I chase. But when I find like-minded individuals like you, Philip, it becomes extremely powerful. The ideas bouncing off each other are never-ending. I feel most alive when I’m creating, when I’m risking something. I feel most fake when I’m smiling in a room I don’t want to be in.”

“I want to be someone who stands in the gap for others, especially those who feel powerless.”

Federer’s creativity and work ethic has defined her from a young age. “I started my first business at 13 and never looked back,” she says. After years of experimenting with startups as a teenager, she began her latest venture, a clothing brand called 4ortunateLife, in 2021 at the young age of 17. The following is a description from the brand’s website: “We’re not just about clothing; it’s a mindset – ‘Get up and do what you love.’ Life’s a journey; our brand is a nod to gratitude and chasing your passions.” I have never heard words that are more Federer, which makes sense because she wrote them. “My company is my pride and joy,” she declares giddily. “I run it single-handedly. I’m my own accountant, marketer, investor, project manager, designer, director, web developer, copywriter, and social media manager. I even process and ship all the orders myself.”

FORTUNATE LIFE Federer’s entrepreneurial instincts date back to when she was a preteen.

When she first started her business, Federer was only selling distressed balaclavas, but she always had a greater vision for what it could become. “I sold out of all my products in 2023 and recently restocked my inventory for 2024. I’m happy to say there’s so much more in store for 4ortunateLife in the new year. We’re diversifying our product line and releasing a lot of new styles, so be on the lookout for that.”

Another passion of Federer’s that aligns with her entrepreneurial spirit is corporate law. She is currently pursuing a finance major and international business minor at the University of Kansas with plans to attend law school upon graduation. She’s on track to graduate a semester early. “I was initially drawn to law because the profession entails logical, analytical, and creative problem-solving, which I am already used to in my business,” she says. “Being the only employee has taught me the importance of every role in a business and has instilled in me a passion for corporate law specifically. Working hard and seeing results form in my business or, in this case, in my future clients’ businesses is my form of happiness.” Come January, Federer plans to embark on the next phase of her journey with corporate law. “I’m flying down to Texas to shadow an internationally recognized corporate attorney at a prestigious firm,” she shares. “I can’t say much about it, but I may or may not be meeting a former president as well. I’m incredibly excited, grateful, and humbled for an opportunity like this so early on in my career.”

SOUL ON FIRE  Federer talks working on the harrowing film shot in her hometown of St. Louis.

Another dream of Federer’s coming true next year is acting in a film. “I was a part of a film this year called Soul on Fire, Federer says. The story told in this film is one we are both familiar with, growing up in St. Louis where it took place. In fact, parts of the film were shot at my school, Saint Louis University. It has become local folklore in a way. At nine years old, John O’Leary was severely burned in a house fire that covered 87% of his body, but with determination and support—including visits from Cardinals broadcaster Jack Buck—he overcame incredible odds to survive and heal. Today, he’s a father, entrepreneur, and motivational speaker who inspires others by sharing his powerful story of resilience and hope. “I can’t speak much on it, since it’s not out yet, but shooting this film was an incredible experience,” Federer shares. “Not only is the story incredible, but I got to work with Joel Courtney and John Corbett. I learned so much from talking with them on set and seeing how they work. It was my first film, and I was just an extra, but I have other acting projects coming soon I’m really excited about.”

No matter where Federer goes, her heart will always be with her family and friends back home in St. Louis. “My family is my number one support system,” she says. “They encourage me to push myself no matter what. Although it’s becoming more and more of a rarity these days, being home allows me to ground myself and often gives me the perspective I need to continue pushing forward.” Knowing this is what inspired me to request her homecoming to shoot the inaugural issue of 21 Artistry. To be fair, no other city in the world would’ve made sense to shoot it in. The DNA of 21 Artistry is in St. Louis.

FAMILY FIRST “My family is my number one support system. They encourage me to push myself no matter what.”

The last time we were both together in St. Louis was her “Baptism,” no not her actual Baptism. This shoot was part of a tradition wherein models I work with do a water shoot with me donning all-white clothing. This shoot typically occurs early on in my work with them and “baptizes” them into my artistic family so-to-speak. Being that the conditions are often difficult to navigate, it is also a test of willpower and inclination, a test that Federer passed with flying colors. Our “Baptism” became one of my most beloved shoots and was the start of our working relationship and friendship. “That was my first professional shoot in almost four years,” Federer recalls, referencing her initial exposure to the modeling industry as a child. “I have always loved being in front of the camera, and I was eager to get back in the game and challenge myself.” 

We begin the shoot day at the farm. I wanted to take Federer out of her comfort zone and have a “warm up” before our 21 Artistry shoot. We walk towards two beautiful bay horses grazing near the fence. Federer poses with them gracefully, taking breaks to pet them and tell me about what has been up since we last saw each other. “I was excited when I saw the horses,” Federer shares. “I grew up around horses, but I had not seen or ridden them in many years. I was a bit worried because the horses were untrained, but you encouraged me to let my inhibitions go. Posing with these animals felt so natural and brought me back to when I rode them as a little girl. This shoot set the stage for our 21 Artistry shoot because it allowed me to let my guard down and lean into my instincts as a model.”

BORN AGAIN  Following a childhood modeling career, Federer reclaims the lens on her own terms as an adult.

Upon arrival at my home studio from the farm, Federer and I jump into our second warm-up of the day. For this shoot, she is bare-faced, wearing a simple white tank top and jeans, and posing against a white backdrop. Working on this “default” model look and concept allowed us to get more comfortable in the studio. Five minutes was all Federer needed. Now it is time to get bloody.

Two gallons of special effects blood and fifty feet of plastic sheeting were used in the making of this shoot. At Federer’s request, I blare Hall and Oates’ “Maneater” from the speaker at full volume on loop. “When the blood first touched my skin, it felt really cold,” Federer recounts. “But I embraced it and started posing with minimal direction from you. Something that I love about the way you work is that, unlike many photographers, you allow your models the freedom to move as they please. You see modeling as an art form in itself and the model as a living canvas. That approach allows us to deliver more authentic performances.”

SACRED HEART  For Federer, a devout Catholic, blood is sacred, symbolizing both life and sacrifice. In Catholic theology, blood is the price of salvation.

Perhaps one of the poses Federer had in mind when saying this was the one portrayed on the cover, in which she is crawling in a pool of blood on all fours, delivering a sly and perfectly angled downward stare at the camera. The blood and her are one. She basks in it. Without words, she refutes the premonition that although she has seen darkness, she doesn’t have to be defined by it. When I see this photo in my viewfinder, I scream in excitement and pause the shoot to show her. She screams too. We instantly know this will be the cover. “If I had to use one word to describe the cover, it would have to be ‘iconic,’” Federer says confidently. I am inclined to agree.

Blood is essential to life, just as it is essential to death. In Roman Catholicism, Federer’s religion of which she is a devout believer, blood is seen as sacred and represents divine life. I had the idea of a “blood baptism” for a year before I met Federer, and I was always waiting for the right person to do it. This concept just made sense to give 21 Artistry the rebirth I had envisioned. “When you told me the concept of being drenched in blood, I felt exhilarated.” Federer recalls. “It didn’t scare me. It awakened something. It was raw, untamed, and honest. For me, the blood represents transformation. It symbolizes the pain, the fight, and the sacrifices I’ve made to become this version of myself that I am so proud of. I’ve become a woman who takes up space without apology. Bold, unapologetic, and fully alive. I was killing off the version of myself that begged for permission, the girl who tried to shrink herself to fit into expectations.”

BLOOD BAPTISM  Blood as a symbol of rebirth and transformation.

As Federer showers off the blood ala Amy Dunne in Gone Girl (parts of which were also based in St. Louis!), I begin cleaning the studio. Federer changes into a Juicy Couture lime green track suit from the early 2000s I gave her, and we begin looking at the pictures with my mom. We are all obsessed. Afterwards, we drive to the nearest St. Louis Bread Co. to quickly grab dinner before they close. Reflecting on the shoot through bites of a sandwich, Federer says, “I felt both powerful and exposed. There’s something terrifying about showing that much of yourself, but also something unshakably strong. I remember thinking, ‘This is who I am. This is everything I’ve survived.’ If I could bleed out anything, I’d bleed out shame. The feeling that I’m never enough. That weight doesn’t come with me anymore. The part of me that needed validation had to die. From that, confidence was born. Not arrogance, just truth.”

“If I could bleed out anything, I’d bleed out shame. The feeling that I’m never enough. That weight doesn’t come with me anymore.”

Despite not using real blood in the photoshoot, this experience gave Federer and I a blood bond. I see her fully, and she sees me fully. That’s the pinnacle of the human experience: a deep desire to be understood and having that desire met. “Being seen means being understood without having to explain myself,” she says. “The image people see—businesswoman, model, confident, smart—is curated. It’s a fantasy. There’s a softness, a vulnerability, that most don’t get to witness. I’m protective of my heart, because when I love, I love deeply, and not everyone deserves to hold that kind of power. Underneath the blood, I’m just me: a soul that’s been bruised, but still burns brighter because of it.”

BENEATH THE BLOOD “Underneath the blood, I’m just me: a soul that’s been bruised, but still burns brighter because of it.”

After we conclude and Federer begins her four-hour drive back to the University of Kansas, I am reminded just how multifaceted her life is. I think about the pressure she puts on herself and her innate responsibility to be great at everything she does. I relate, because I feel that same pressure myself sometimes. “I often push myself so hard that I forget to rest,” she says. “I chase perfection, knowing it could destroy me, but I keep chasing anyway. There are times I wonder if I’ve become too composed…too controlled to let myself break. Sometimes I feel like I’m acting out the ‘strong woman’ role so well, I forget I’m allowed to not be okay.”

While Federer’s desire to be perfect can sometimes be to her own detriment, it has always made her who she is: an ambitious girl with big dreams that she might just have the nerve to achieve. Her inner calling to do good in this world at the same time has always been there, too, pouring out of her like ribbons of blood into each of her passions. Deeply rooted in culture, religion, and history since the beginning of time, blood is at the core of our existence. Blood is how we understand life and death, a level of intensity mirrored on Federer’s journey as a young woman chasing so many dreams simultaneously. Blood is duality; so is her journey. “My dark fantasy is proving the people I love right,” she says. “The people who saw my strength before I did, the friends and family who believe in me. It’s living up to the high expectations they’ve set for me. To me, the blood symbolizes rebirth. I’m shedding my old self and growing into the independent woman I was destined to be.” •

Photography: Philip Hiblovic

Creative Direction: Philip Hiblovic and Sarah Federer

Styling: Philip Hiblovic and Sarah Federer

Hair: Philip Hiblovic and Sarah Federer

Makeup: Philip Hiblovic and Sarah Federer

Set Design: Philip Hiblovic and Sarah Federer

Location: Phlash Studio

Editor-in-Chief: Philip Hiblovic

Executive Producer: Philip Hiblovic

Production: Philip Hiblovic

Story: Philip Hiblovic

Cover Design: Philip Hiblovic

Publisher: Philip Hiblovic